How Mother-in-law spoiling Agile Team!

Agile Manager for Scrum Team!

I am getting this complaint from many of my team members.

Mother in law is spoiling the family life! Managers are spoiling the Agile Team!

“Monster In-Laws:” A Leading Cause of Divorce. In a team context, this causes attrition.

An article titled “Divorce Causes: 5 Ways to Destroy Your Marriage” in the Huffington Post states that the in-Laws can be a leading cause of divorce. Author Francesca Escoto writes, “how spouses relate to the in-laws is a strong predictor of marriage longevity. A man who gets along with his wife’s parents is wise — his chances of a strong marriage increase by about 20 percent. Women who get along with their in-laws actually have an increased probability of divorce, by about 20 percent.”

What can we do about it? We need them, but they should not break the family.

In Agile Team/Family, Mother-in-law is like Manager!

In the Agile world they do not have many things to do, as they have retired from the active family life or delivery role. This active life is managed by the Product Owner and Scrum Master.

But Mother in law is interfering in every course of action like Managers.

What are those? extracted from a happy family where Mother in law is interfering!

HAVE YOU FOUND SUCH INSTANCES IN AGILE PROJECTS WHERE MANAGER IS HOVERING AROUND SCRUM TEAM?

Mothers-in-law are notorious for being controlling, judgmental, critical and overbearing (In Project team also Manager could be like this)

• She is always right, without exception. Which means that she’s never wrong. She’ll never admit being wrong, and she will never apologize for anything. In her eyes, you (and possibly your spouse) are the only person to blame. (Similar things can be found with the Agile Team where Manager will be doing exactly like this)
• To establish her dominance, she will expect you to please her. That would include appearing at every family event, learning her way of cooking, cleaning and just about everything else under the sun (because her way is clearly better), If you fail to do any of that, you are indeed a rotten daughter-in-law, and she has a right to complain about you to anyone who’ll listen. ( Similar things can be found with the Agile Team where Manager will be doing exactly as this and escalation goes to senior leaders)
• If you are still not bending to her will, she will move on to heavier artillery. She will start a smear campaign in her community, trying to turn everyone against you. If she succeeds, those people will start putting pressure on your husband to leave you, saying that they’re just “worried about him” and they “want him to be happy.” (Similar things can be found with the Agile Team where Manager will be doing exactly like this)
• Try to mediate my son’s marital disputes. Mothers-in-law don’t get to have the inside scoop on the young marriage. Let them solve their own problem. (In Agile team, let the team members solve it, why managers in jumping into all these to become hero.)

Rearrange daughter-in-law’s house. Clearly, the coffee mugs should be stored in the cabinet over the coffeemaker. Any idiot can see that. But it’s not Mothers-in-law kitchen, so Mothers-in-law don’t get to decide where the coffee mugs go. (In Agile team, the team decides everything with the help of PO and SM)

• Fold daughter-in-law’s laundry without her permission,
• Buy daughter-in-law clothes only Mothers-in-law would wear,
• Think daughter-in-law is perfect,
• Enter the daughter-in-law’s bedroom without knocking,
• Offer unsolicited advice,
• Show up unannounced,
• Criticize daughter-in-law’s cooking.

All these activities can be mapped to the Agile team context where Managers are getting into the team comfort zone and impairing the self-organized practice)

Many of the items on the detail are considered a faux-pas in any situation. They are a hundred times more intolerable when planted the context of a mother-in-law (Manager)/daughter-in-law(SM/PO) relationship.

How to Manage her? or Managers:

What Scrum Masters can do for the Agile team?

• Respect her different viewpoints. Even if you don’t agree with what she has to say, listen to your mother-in-law. Don’t immediately write off what she has to say. Hear her out (even if you feel it’s ridiculous) and let her know you’re listening. You don’t have to agree to anything.
• Respond neutrally by saying, “Okay, I’ll consider that” or, “Thanks for your input.”
• If she puts you in a difficult position, defer to your spouse. Say, “I don’t want to answer right away. Let me talk to my spouse first.”
• Use humor. Deflecting criticism or other awkward interaction with humor can deflate conflicts and put everyone at ease again. Whether the situation seems tense or she’s making things difficult, a little humor can go a long way.
• Work through your own feelings about your mother-in-law. Are you able to plant yourself her shoes occasionally and discover just where some of her so-called interfering or judgmental behavior appears from? She values the person you’re married to, so there must be something good inside her!
• - Keep in mind that whatever your feelings, your mother-in-law remains one of the most important people in your spouse’s life. Be sure it’s not your own untamed jealousy causing complications.
• - If your relationship with your mother is strained or troublesome, consider if that is affecting your relationship with your mother-in-law. Remember that they are different individuals, and you can have a distinctive relationship with each one.
• Create some ground rules. If you live with your mother-in-law, establish some ground rules for living together. If you know there are things that might cause conflict, talk about them beforehand and make sure everyone understands the rules and why they are in place.
• Make compromises. You and your mother-in-law will inevitably disagree on certain things, especially when living together. Choose your battles and decide what things you can tolerate and what things you need to be firm about.
• Create mutually agreed boundaries. Both you and your mother-in-law may enjoy having your own space and ways of doing things. Ask your mother-in-law how you might make her comfortable in the home while enforcing your own needs and desires. As long as your boundaries don’t conflict, try to respect her space and independence.
• Look for the good she does and praise it. Look for the good things about her, not just the bad. If she’s always cleaning despite you telling her not to, thank her for her care and contribution. Find the positive ways she adds to your life, your partner’s life, and even your kids’ lives. If possible, do this in her presence and be genuine.
• Talk about how she makes you feel. If you’re in conflict with your mother-in-law and it’s not resolving overtime or on its own, it’s time to talk about it. If she tends to criticize your marriage or your parenting, let her know how this makes you feel. Be kind and honest and tell her what you’d like instead. Aim to find resolutions to your problems.

I am sure you as a coach you might have come across such a situation in the Agile team where managers are disturbing the scrum flow by interfering negatively, please share your thoughts.